Today I am back in the hospital for my bi-weekly infusion. No 26 means I passed the 1year mark of being under treatment. It feels great to have received the gift of life and every infusion feels like a dose of life elixir. Nothing compares to this.
As I mentioned many times, my mind is now well organized and this supports my recovery. Keeping my body fit is a challenge as I am lazy by nature. Nothing better than a walk in the park or along the sea. So we decided to drive to Izu every month and spend 2 days near the ocean.
It’s those small adjustments which make life wonderful. It’s so easy to go on. Also at work, I have passed a certain point that I will travel again. First trip to Singapore, 7 hours, day travel, single hop. Can be done! Life settles down, new patterns emerge, a new hobby brings deep satisfaction.
Thank you for your support, wherever you may be. Your thoughts and prayers help, every time. Thank you
Thursday, August 23, 2018
Wednesday, July 25, 2018
5 things to be reminded of not doing
I came across this quote, of things to quit doing:
- Trying to please everybody
- Fearing change
- Living in the past
- Putting yourself down
- Overthinking
As I run out of energy so easily at work, I ask myself what applies to me these days.
Trying to please everybody is creeping back in, as I have expectations of myself again. Leading and managing a team has been put on hold last year, and I miss the thrill of achieving goals against all odds. So I am keen to prove myself to others that I haven’t lost it, that I am still capable of moving mountains. This is not realistic as I am not able to handle adversity, conflict and stoneheads anymore. Pleasing myself is a trap I realize as my expectations are too high. I need to step back and let next generations handle things even if they don’t go perfect and don’t meet my high expectations. Let it go!
Fearing change is lurking around every corner. The change I have come to fear the most is not being able to enjoy doing stuff. I need to rest more and more, and spend lots of time NOT doing anything. It leads to overthinking and I will come back to that later. Another new fear is that of irreversibility: that I will not recover to who I was, both physical and mental. I have not come to terms yet with my body aging so rapidly due to the medications. I have learnt to face and handle fear by admitting it and analyzing it. Time will find a way to deal with it. It’s important to not worry about the future, and enjoy what I have and what I can do.
Living in the past is what I referred to earlier as irreversibility. Not being able to enjoy sailing anymore, nor travel, nor testing my limits makes me feel depressed. Having heavy headaches and stomach pain is not easy to deal with when memories pop up out of nowhere, longing for being one with nature and the world. I then need to force my mind to be present in the now, which takes tremendous and continuous reminding and redirecting during meditation. To stay in control of the mind and enjoy what I experience everyday requires conscious living.
Not being an able bodied seaman anymore can easily result in a downward spiral, which happens when I feel sick and my mind gets a free hand. I am not satisfied then with what I am able to do and put myself down. I am glad I am aware of this thought pattern and am able to pull myself together once side effects of treatment fade away. Literally pulling myself up as many times as I can every morning helps me recover my self esteem and my self confidence. It requires lots of mental effort after every bi-weekly treatment.
Overthinking the life I live is an easy pitfall, including the chances of recovery, the financial risks and so on. Meditating in order to get this sticky mind of mine under control has become a good habit. The rhythm of work has become a blessing with a downside though and that is: it requires focus and thinking deeply about all possible business scenarios. I read and analyze many reports, resulting in new habits of thought and honing thought processes. The pitfall is to let this busy mind of mine continue after I come home and relax. It requires discipline to tell myself to stop and enjoy time with the family.
Thank you that my son came over and that we can spend time together. I am so fortunate that my family provides me the motivation to stay focused on recovery and be happy with every little progress I make. Saying ‘Thank you’ as often as possible and necessary is important.
- Trying to please everybody
- Fearing change
- Living in the past
- Putting yourself down
- Overthinking
As I run out of energy so easily at work, I ask myself what applies to me these days.
Trying to please everybody is creeping back in, as I have expectations of myself again. Leading and managing a team has been put on hold last year, and I miss the thrill of achieving goals against all odds. So I am keen to prove myself to others that I haven’t lost it, that I am still capable of moving mountains. This is not realistic as I am not able to handle adversity, conflict and stoneheads anymore. Pleasing myself is a trap I realize as my expectations are too high. I need to step back and let next generations handle things even if they don’t go perfect and don’t meet my high expectations. Let it go!
Fearing change is lurking around every corner. The change I have come to fear the most is not being able to enjoy doing stuff. I need to rest more and more, and spend lots of time NOT doing anything. It leads to overthinking and I will come back to that later. Another new fear is that of irreversibility: that I will not recover to who I was, both physical and mental. I have not come to terms yet with my body aging so rapidly due to the medications. I have learnt to face and handle fear by admitting it and analyzing it. Time will find a way to deal with it. It’s important to not worry about the future, and enjoy what I have and what I can do.
Living in the past is what I referred to earlier as irreversibility. Not being able to enjoy sailing anymore, nor travel, nor testing my limits makes me feel depressed. Having heavy headaches and stomach pain is not easy to deal with when memories pop up out of nowhere, longing for being one with nature and the world. I then need to force my mind to be present in the now, which takes tremendous and continuous reminding and redirecting during meditation. To stay in control of the mind and enjoy what I experience everyday requires conscious living.
Not being an able bodied seaman anymore can easily result in a downward spiral, which happens when I feel sick and my mind gets a free hand. I am not satisfied then with what I am able to do and put myself down. I am glad I am aware of this thought pattern and am able to pull myself together once side effects of treatment fade away. Literally pulling myself up as many times as I can every morning helps me recover my self esteem and my self confidence. It requires lots of mental effort after every bi-weekly treatment.
Overthinking the life I live is an easy pitfall, including the chances of recovery, the financial risks and so on. Meditating in order to get this sticky mind of mine under control has become a good habit. The rhythm of work has become a blessing with a downside though and that is: it requires focus and thinking deeply about all possible business scenarios. I read and analyze many reports, resulting in new habits of thought and honing thought processes. The pitfall is to let this busy mind of mine continue after I come home and relax. It requires discipline to tell myself to stop and enjoy time with the family.
Thank you that my son came over and that we can spend time together. I am so fortunate that my family provides me the motivation to stay focused on recovery and be happy with every little progress I make. Saying ‘Thank you’ as often as possible and necessary is important.
Wednesday, July 04, 2018
J-class Rainbow, 1934 defender of the America's cup
The days at home recovering from treatments get longer and longer. So, as I mentioned in my previous blog, I decided to start building a model of a J-class yacht. I had been looking for a completed model in shops for many years, but always found them too ugly. I needed one with enough realism and detail to enjoy the beauty of her lines and feel the sheer size of her class.
Enjoy a short video of her history and how she has been brought back to life.
Look at how tiny the blocks are at a scale of 1/80. This took me an hour! You can see it hanging next to Mr Vandebilt in the picture of him at the helm of his yacht.
Its really tough to get it right so I use the contraption shown below.
Enjoy a short video of her history and how she has been brought back to life.
Here are some images I found on-line which provide an example of how she was sailed and how the rigging looked like. I use this to make the model more realistic, and not just follow the instructions.
 |
| Action on deck |
 |
| Leaning in |
 |
| Close hauled |
 |
| It will take a year. to build this model. |
 |
| The owner Vandebilt at the helm |
 |
| The owner Vandebilt in port |
Look at how tiny the blocks are at a scale of 1/80. This took me an hour! You can see it hanging next to Mr Vandebilt in the picture of him at the helm of his yacht.
Its really tough to get it right so I use the contraption shown below.
 |
| Not happy yet with the first mainsheet block I made |
 |
| The contraption to help my eyes to focus |
Tuesday, July 03, 2018
Combination effect
My yearly health checkup of the company was due 26th June, and I asked my doc if the barium test would have any effect on the CT-scan planned on the 28th. He said it would be fine.
Barium test is there to check my intestines and stomach on polyps. You drink barium fluid as contrast fluid and by turning in the scanner it provides an image of the walls of stomach and intestines. It’s basically a horrible test as it takes time for the body to get rid of the barium.
So on the 28th my blood test was fine, and I was all prepped on the CT-scanner. However, the nurse said there was too much barium remaining, and I had to report to my doctor. Infusion needle out, and another wait for an update of progress. The doctor apologized and rescheduled the scan for 11the July. The afternoon was infusion time (no22) for 2 hours, which is always made easy by the lovely nurses. They keep on apologizing when they remove the needle and pull out hairs along with the adhesive tape. It makes me feel grateful every time.
The evening was different, the night was not easy and the next day I had zero energy. The intestines were completely out of order with barium and Opdivo inflammation. I just looked out the window, not knowing what to do. I ordered a model of the Rainbow yacht online as I felt like doing things without being able to move around much. The next day it was weekend, and it was a bit better but still no energy.
I guess that’s what it’s like. Just hanging in there, not letting constant fatigue make me feel depressed. Summer has arrived, and it’s 36°. It saps whatever energy is left in me. Let’s see what model building brings. The tie a thin thread around a 3mm block for an hour and get it wrapped with an even thinner thread is a new challenge. The fun of it is that handling the tiny tools while looking through a magnifying glass makes you forget everything, including barium. The yachting knots I learned when I was young come in very handy. I will share some pictures.
Barium test is there to check my intestines and stomach on polyps. You drink barium fluid as contrast fluid and by turning in the scanner it provides an image of the walls of stomach and intestines. It’s basically a horrible test as it takes time for the body to get rid of the barium.
So on the 28th my blood test was fine, and I was all prepped on the CT-scanner. However, the nurse said there was too much barium remaining, and I had to report to my doctor. Infusion needle out, and another wait for an update of progress. The doctor apologized and rescheduled the scan for 11the July. The afternoon was infusion time (no22) for 2 hours, which is always made easy by the lovely nurses. They keep on apologizing when they remove the needle and pull out hairs along with the adhesive tape. It makes me feel grateful every time.
The evening was different, the night was not easy and the next day I had zero energy. The intestines were completely out of order with barium and Opdivo inflammation. I just looked out the window, not knowing what to do. I ordered a model of the Rainbow yacht online as I felt like doing things without being able to move around much. The next day it was weekend, and it was a bit better but still no energy.
I guess that’s what it’s like. Just hanging in there, not letting constant fatigue make me feel depressed. Summer has arrived, and it’s 36°. It saps whatever energy is left in me. Let’s see what model building brings. The tie a thin thread around a 3mm block for an hour and get it wrapped with an even thinner thread is a new challenge. The fun of it is that handling the tiny tools while looking through a magnifying glass makes you forget everything, including barium. The yachting knots I learned when I was young come in very handy. I will share some pictures.
Saturday, June 16, 2018
Smooth ride
The blood test before infusion #21 was near perfect again. What a relief. The day was filled with waiting in ques, sleeping while taking the infusion, and a smooth ride home by train. That’s actually describing how I feel right now, after 2 days of rest. It’s all a smooth ride now.
I was very tired the day after the infusion, and today I went for a walk to the park and gave my snow shovel a treat to remove the rust and give a fresh coat of paint. Enjoyable projects. My plants are doing well too and I am learning to grow and plant seedlings. Enjoyable!
Work is going well too, full-time and fulfilling.
Life is a smooth ride.
I was very tired the day after the infusion, and today I went for a walk to the park and gave my snow shovel a treat to remove the rust and give a fresh coat of paint. Enjoyable projects. My plants are doing well too and I am learning to grow and plant seedlings. Enjoyable!
Work is going well too, full-time and fulfilling.
Life is a smooth ride.
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Blood test result
On Monday 21st May I went to hospital for the 20th infusion of Opdivo. The day before I had the pleasure to trim some of the trees in my father in law’s garden. Some muscle ache was the result but nothing serious. I had a great sense of satisfaction to have contributed with my brother in law, and felt a sense of normal life had returned.
Nothing prepared me for the bad result of the blood test on Monday, which saw 2 values come in much higher than usual. This indicated that liver and other organs had problems. The slightest hesitation of the doctor made me realize that my treatment could be stopped any moment the blood tests were too alarming.
Lucky he decided to continue as planned and I had my infusion. Instead of my usual rest day after infusion, I had planned to join a global meeting. However, I felt drained and when I reached home I knew I would not be able to work the next day. The realization of the severity of my health situation hit me very hard. Ending the Opdivo would leave me with no other treatment option.....
Today I met with old friends at work, and could reduce my worries by just being distracted by discussions and meetings. I also joined the group diner and could enjoy the time together which was the first time in more than 6 months. I do realize (again) that even though I am on a steady path of recovery, this is the last possible type of treatment for me.
Let me pray that everything goes as planned and that this was just a false alarm. In three weeks I will have another blood test followed by the planned infusion, and then I hope the blood test is back to normal.
Nothing prepared me for the bad result of the blood test on Monday, which saw 2 values come in much higher than usual. This indicated that liver and other organs had problems. The slightest hesitation of the doctor made me realize that my treatment could be stopped any moment the blood tests were too alarming.
Lucky he decided to continue as planned and I had my infusion. Instead of my usual rest day after infusion, I had planned to join a global meeting. However, I felt drained and when I reached home I knew I would not be able to work the next day. The realization of the severity of my health situation hit me very hard. Ending the Opdivo would leave me with no other treatment option.....
Today I met with old friends at work, and could reduce my worries by just being distracted by discussions and meetings. I also joined the group diner and could enjoy the time together which was the first time in more than 6 months. I do realize (again) that even though I am on a steady path of recovery, this is the last possible type of treatment for me.
Let me pray that everything goes as planned and that this was just a false alarm. In three weeks I will have another blood test followed by the planned infusion, and then I hope the blood test is back to normal.
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Suddenly overcome with anxiety
My wife was in Singapore arranging the return of our cat, and getting a certificate for tea ceremony teacher. So I celebrated my 58th birthday with my daughter in a special way. Together we went for all-you-can-eat buffet and chatted all the time. It was wonderful. I feel so happy about being a father.
Before the diner, I had a difficult time with neck, throat, nose and sinus inflammations due to the sudden coldness. Many worries and concerns surfaced which are usually kept under control by my spirit and joy of life. Feeling really sick caused me to go home from work. Once I had slept I felt a little better and sat on the terrace amidst my plants and flowers.
Probably because I was alone, I couldn't stop feeling gloomier and gloomier, and finally had to tell myself to accept that it was not just a cold. The awareness that something was eating away in my bones and destroying my organs became overwhelming. That the medicines were fighting it and that the scan results are positive didn't help at all.
So I wrote a poem 'Darkness', and got so confused with what I wanted to say. It didn't make sense at all. My brain was completely blurred, 'chemobrain' as they call it. Everything was disconnected: body, mind and spirit.... I became scared. My daughter of 12 could loose her father so easily. My wife and son would manage I am sure, but not my daughter....
That is when my daughter returned home from school and we went for diner.......
Before the diner, I had a difficult time with neck, throat, nose and sinus inflammations due to the sudden coldness. Many worries and concerns surfaced which are usually kept under control by my spirit and joy of life. Feeling really sick caused me to go home from work. Once I had slept I felt a little better and sat on the terrace amidst my plants and flowers.
Probably because I was alone, I couldn't stop feeling gloomier and gloomier, and finally had to tell myself to accept that it was not just a cold. The awareness that something was eating away in my bones and destroying my organs became overwhelming. That the medicines were fighting it and that the scan results are positive didn't help at all.
So I wrote a poem 'Darkness', and got so confused with what I wanted to say. It didn't make sense at all. My brain was completely blurred, 'chemobrain' as they call it. Everything was disconnected: body, mind and spirit.... I became scared. My daughter of 12 could loose her father so easily. My wife and son would manage I am sure, but not my daughter....
That is when my daughter returned home from school and we went for diner.......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)