Aaah, I thought I was ready for some serious work related stress! I thought I could engage again and lead Engineering work automation change management, digital transformation, new business models, etc etc. My passion for this stuff is tremendous, as is the resistance to change in every corner of our company.
So I have strange symptoms of dizziness, disconnection, strange lapses of presence and so on. When I explained this to my oncologist he nodded and suggested that it just might be related to work stress. My resistance to continue trying to work 5 days a week from my desk, and again pull my weight everyday started to crumble. I nodded in agreement and wrote my bosses a note to have a chat about this next week Monday.
So there you have it. I am facing the reality of the imbalance between my super strong spirit and my struggling body. It sounds so simple to write, but when I realize I am in a deep dip it’s already too late. Not that the damage to my body is irreversible, no, but the damage to my confidence has been done.
And that’s where the darkness starts at the bottom of an empty well. Slippery walls surround me and there is no light up there. The only strength I have left in me is my spirit. I go on my knees again to pray and thank Him for that gift.
So, I need to climb out again, as so many times before after facing reality of my current limitations. I say current, as my hope of recovery is strong and unwavering. There is light up there I realize, as soon as I close my eyes, stop my will, and start enjoying the moment of peace. It’s not imagination, it’s real, it’s visible and I can feel the warmth of the sun shining straight down on me.
So, another setback has come and gone. Staying strong and finding strength inside in a still mind is what heals all wounds. Recovery and healing only happens in a body which is at rest and is not fighting battles which others can fight. I need to remind myself of this, and not slide down the slippery slope of work induced stress. My basic integrity to do my part at work is getting in the way again, and again.
