The 10 radiation treatments spread over 2 weeks are done! It’s all a blur now that I look back, but I do remember the desperation I felt every morning. Getting up and eat in time before nausea would stop me. Work became harder and harder, so I stopped in the second week. The trip to the hospital by train lasted more than an hour and being stuck while feeling sick was stressing me out.
I managed except for the near last day. Just before I had to leave home I became so sick, I cried while waiting for it to reside. Our sweet cats visited me and their loud miauws really pulled me out of my misery. I rushed to the hospital where I realized I had to overcome nausea while being pinned down by my face mask. Man, I have not felt more miserable ever…
Now that it is all over, I can deal with my cooked brain, red burnt skin, humming ears, falling hair, and annoying dancing black spots in my right eye. Appetite is gone, so I find relief in Japanese powders to kickstart my metabolism. I need that to make the immunotherapy protect me from spreading metastasis, like it happened in 2017 after Proton Beaming. Fear is hiding everywhere…
Living day by day has returned, and is saving me mentally. I remembered how I had worked my way through the nights after surgery, dealing with pain and fear of the unknown. No need for scenarios, just one: make it through this day, enjoy small improvements, laugh when I can, make bad jokes when I can, enjoy breaks in sleeping at night and be happy when daybreak comes…
Dealing with fear is easy now. I pray for help, easing of fear and nausea, and it works! I feel so blessed with all support I get, apps of support, mails, lovely prepared meals, smiles… There is no other outcome than peace, and enjoying having my loving family and friends around me. I just need to know it and be aware of it. Not shutting them out and try to do everything by myself. Let love flow both ways…
