On Thursday I went to see my oncologist, joined by my wife. I explained the nurse my pain levels and location. My wife went on to provide details where the questions became too complex. All this in Japanese.... they wanted to know if my pain had anything to do with the change in treatment interval.
Meeting the doctor, he and the nurse were all smiles, including my wife. Only I was not happy due to my chronicle lack of sleep. Blood test results were perfect, except for signs of inflammation. I knew that! So off I went for a nice soba lunch, and another infusion. The next morning started with yoga, and pain treatment. After another nap I still felt groggy from the medicines.
I got new medicines to help me sleep and got involved in the remote discussions regarding work issues. Lucky I could escape from the stress and could focus on my health. My wife was busy so I had a nice diner with my daughter, playing uno, having French fries, ice cream, and all other delicious things we could find on the menu. I slept early, at 8pm!
This morning I felt completely different. I could even say I felt great! Working with the plants, clearing up old bushes while drinking tea and a croissant on the terrace. Keeping the mosquitos at bay and listening to the crickets, birds and singing children passing by. Pain is under control.
Stress from retirement next year flared up, as our HR shared many interesting offers: develop project delivery structure in Bio economics, restructure Japan team in India, restructure Security business, etc. Interesting in itself but not sufficient to support my family. I informed my bosses, who told me they would discuss a contract structure upon return. No need to worry.
The mind is your best friend and your worst enemy. Listening to the Gita and Upanishads puts everything’s in perspective again. My reaction to tough periods needs to be steered by a mind which is in contact with Him, part of Him, and in contact with my wife and children. We are going though this together, and as such my reactions should help us all.
Peace of mind is coming back, depression fades, awareness of happy moments returns. Wonderful!
Saturday, September 07, 2019
Tuesday, September 03, 2019
Feeling blessed
The last months have been different. The treatment has killed the cancer cells, and I constantly think that I should feel healthy. This belief appears logical right? I have been fighting for more than 2 years for clean scans. Then why does my body hurt all the time? I never felt this way the last 2 years.
As I wrote, I have to accept it, be patient and be confident in my recovery. Unexpected pain is apparently part of recovery. This acceptance is the basis of finding purpose in life as a cancer survivor. Side effects of radiation and immunotherapy can be permanent. The effects are not documented as the treatment is too new.
One way to help accept that I need time away from office to recover is to find the benefit of taking a step back. Work provides me a chance to forget about the recovery process, and time off is obviously meant to enjoy my hobbies. The mind never stops, and I have learned to direct it at useful things instead of trying to make it stop.
Work has provided me the much needed change of focus for my mind, a change of mind so to say. The same is now happening at home when I need a break to treat my pain and do the strengthening exercises. I think over the difficulties I face at work and the solution presents itself and I write mails immediately to share the idea. The mind then loses interest in work, and I can enjoy my time off.
That’s it! I now enjoy the time to recover at home, and many a times need it to resolve complex issues. I have to admit that I was able to do this at work before I became sick, and miss that professional capability.
I am mourning the loss of my health and my energy at work. I feel depressed and tears come when the endless pain is keeping me awake at night. But when the sun rises again, I learn to appreciate this new balance. It’s what motivates me to become strong again and get ready for a beach holiday with my family and play in the breaking waves.....
As I wrote, I have to accept it, be patient and be confident in my recovery. Unexpected pain is apparently part of recovery. This acceptance is the basis of finding purpose in life as a cancer survivor. Side effects of radiation and immunotherapy can be permanent. The effects are not documented as the treatment is too new.
One way to help accept that I need time away from office to recover is to find the benefit of taking a step back. Work provides me a chance to forget about the recovery process, and time off is obviously meant to enjoy my hobbies. The mind never stops, and I have learned to direct it at useful things instead of trying to make it stop.
Work has provided me the much needed change of focus for my mind, a change of mind so to say. The same is now happening at home when I need a break to treat my pain and do the strengthening exercises. I think over the difficulties I face at work and the solution presents itself and I write mails immediately to share the idea. The mind then loses interest in work, and I can enjoy my time off.
That’s it! I now enjoy the time to recover at home, and many a times need it to resolve complex issues. I have to admit that I was able to do this at work before I became sick, and miss that professional capability.
I am mourning the loss of my health and my energy at work. I feel depressed and tears come when the endless pain is keeping me awake at night. But when the sun rises again, I learn to appreciate this new balance. It’s what motivates me to become strong again and get ready for a beach holiday with my family and play in the breaking waves.....
Sunday, September 01, 2019
Patience and confidence
In April I had a sudden attack of muscle cramps in my arms and shoulders. That’s now almost 5 months ago. What started as a painful nuisance, slowly deteriorated in frozen shoulders. Everything I tried made it only worse. Small accidents reversed progress, sleepless nights became the norm and made me loose confidence.
As I wrote, my oncologist wasn’t sure about the cause and gave me painkillers. Confidence however didn’t return, and I lost strength and resilience. My mind lost its edge and soon I was visiting a physiotherapist and a chiropractor. Medicines to help recover from nerve pain and muscle cramps just suppressed symptoms.
Only during the holidays in August did I feel something change. I was able to stretch more and more. I felt lucky that I had been able to establish regular yoga sessions after I became 50, which I started using as a benchmark. I could kind of sense how far away I was from my normal full stretch.
Both in the clinics and at home I gradually pushed myself through the pain. Muscles had become weak and stuck, and needed a change of posture to get them operating again. Not pleasant, but the result was that I could find better positions to sleep, followed by better rest.
I am now resting one or two days before I exercise and stretch again. The intestines and sinuses are still regularly inflamed by Opdivo, which makes me extend the period of rest. Work stress mixed with the summer heat which feels like 35-40° makes progress very slow.
My body needs time to recover. All I need is patience and confidence!
As I wrote, my oncologist wasn’t sure about the cause and gave me painkillers. Confidence however didn’t return, and I lost strength and resilience. My mind lost its edge and soon I was visiting a physiotherapist and a chiropractor. Medicines to help recover from nerve pain and muscle cramps just suppressed symptoms.
Only during the holidays in August did I feel something change. I was able to stretch more and more. I felt lucky that I had been able to establish regular yoga sessions after I became 50, which I started using as a benchmark. I could kind of sense how far away I was from my normal full stretch.
Both in the clinics and at home I gradually pushed myself through the pain. Muscles had become weak and stuck, and needed a change of posture to get them operating again. Not pleasant, but the result was that I could find better positions to sleep, followed by better rest.
I am now resting one or two days before I exercise and stretch again. The intestines and sinuses are still regularly inflamed by Opdivo, which makes me extend the period of rest. Work stress mixed with the summer heat which feels like 35-40° makes progress very slow.
My body needs time to recover. All I need is patience and confidence!
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