The other side, sooner or later…

It was a special day, celebrating the end of the week while lying still. Pinned down by the mask has become a comforting feeling. They know what they are doing, with pin-point precision. Radiation 6 is done, and only four to go. My oncologist said that I could get steroids to ease the nausea, but it would affect the effectiveness of the immunotherapy. What a choice…

After having diner on the way home, just in time to suppress the nausea, I took a bath to wash away the hospital. I wonder now why my appointment with God is again delayed. Everyone has an appointment at the end of life, and mine has been postponed several times. It feels good of course, to be able to spend more precious time with my loved ones.

Deep inside I wonder what the end will be like. It has been postponed with surgery, medicines, radiation, and will continue to be postponed using latest developments still to present themselves. Gratitude is what I feel, and humility. This is not a test of willpower, no, it’s a test of patience, trust and spirit. Walking to the radiation room, makes me feel like a lamb, ready for the end. Everything is ready, because the end is near.

But, Everything is also very ready to continue... I am ready to continue for certain! So what will it be like when the tide turns, when the scan in January shows that it hasn’t worked? What will we do? Or not do? I believe it’s time to consider deeply how I will deal with that news, 5 years after the first diagnosis. 

It’s like the old cliche: ‘What would I do if I had 3 months left to live?’ Perhaps a storyboard would help me put these depressing thoughts to rest. His Peace is stronger than my fears!

Halfway point

The last 6 days were like an experience with a slow ticking clock. The Ipi/Nivo infusion was doing its job in killing melanoma cells but at the same time caused bad nausea, intestine trouble and jolting backaches. Everyday was a different combination, with radiation headaches coming and going. It seemed it would never end. 

Today I am going for the fifth radiation, and my body feels slightly better. Halfway point! Anything positive to hang on to…

Taking part of daily life by visiting the hospital somehow grounds me in reality; sitting in crowded trains, running to catch a bus which closes its doors in front of my nose... Life continues, peoples lives continue around me. So much news appears to me completely meaningless when I see the suffering in the eyes and posture of patients and caregivers. Everyone is bravely carrying their own hidden cross.

What is this type of cancer difficult to handle, both mentally and physically. It’s sleeping for months and catches me off-guard when it appears again on scans. I somehow came to terms that this is a companion for the rest of my living days. The amazing immunotherapy developments to inactivate the melanoma cellular attack mechanism is saving me time and again. 

But still… it requires a special mindset, patience, while letting Peace of God overcome my fear for the unknown. It provides for a safe haven, where I am blessed with hope. This hope is the shelter for the storm I am in.

Prayers from all of you have helped so much, and I want to thank you for that. Without you, my loved ones, it would be impossible to get through this with a stable and strong mind. I feel strong because of your continued support. 

Today is the birthday of my daughter, and I feel ok enough to join the diner to celebrate. Next week my son will start work after he halted his master studies. Startup engineer for ASML, covering all semicon factories in Japan. A bright future lies ahead for both of them, and I feel so blessed to be part of it…