How Japan heals me deeply

In the immediate period following diagnosis everything had to make way for devising a treatment strategy. A profound insight into what surviving cancer actually means happens when you realize you need to plan again for your retirement. This covers matters relating to finances, location, activity and so on.

I still remember the moment the naked reality of dying hit me like a blow of a hammer. It felt like all protection you take for granted in life has vanished. Nothing stood between death and life as I knew it. 

We have been blessed that the treatment strategy has worked, supported by miracles and finding the right specialists. Gradually the urgency of treatment faded like seeing the sun breaking through the clouds after heavy weather. Not the eye of a Typhoon, but a change in cloud patterns and shifting winds, heralding better weather was on its way.

This week something changed when I was offered a renewable contract after reaching the age of 60, which will be in May 2020. Suddenly I felt relieved from the burden to find a source of income sufficient to pay for my daughter’s schooling. This burden had gradually and unconsciously built up in the wake of the receding storm. 

What a relief came over me in the days following that meeting. I also realized deeply that the involved Japanese manager was trying hard to resolve my plight by resolving his own lack of strategic management resources. This made me feel so useful again after a long period of sickness, pain and lack of energy. 

His exact words moved me deeply: ‘Now I am going naked...’ as he wrote the offer on the whiteboard. Being naked equals being completely honest with each other, and it’s why Japanese enjoy sharing a hot bath with others. Passion suddenly burst from my heart again when his hands closed around mine. 

Sharing such a deep sense of trust was so profound, so moving. This is a clear example why I feel so close to the people in this country. It has become a driving force in my recovery, like the light of Angels, bringing comfort, hope and guidance.

2020, a year of change to look forward to

About a year ago I made so much progress with recovery that I felt it was the right time to set a target date to be clear of all cancer. I chose 27 Oct 2019. It seemed far enough in the future to have a fair chance, and close enough to look forward to.

27 Oct 1989 was a happy day for us in a castle in Holland, where me and Yuka were married, surrounded by close friends and family.

24 Oct 2019 was the day my son received his Bachelors degree in Physics at the University of Groningen. We couldn't attend, but seeing a short movie and pictures made us feel so proud. He will continue his studies for Masters in Industrial Engineering & Management. We will travel to join him when he gets his masters degree.

Today I look back on a month where my oncologists agreed to stop the treatment in early Jan 2020. That is exactly 3 years after I was diagnosed with cancer. Stage VI used to hopeless but my case has proven that there is hope even in the final stages of this dreaded disease. 

2020 will be a year of change. The Olympics will be held here, and after retirement in June I will start my second life with work I can chose and with new motivation. 

Rewire and refire! That is what I have decided to call my retirement. Yes!

Hope

The scan yesterday appeared to be clean. There is always a chance that something small went unnoticed. The detailed report should uncover that but it always includes statements which are conservative. The report will never say: ‘You are clean! congratulations!’ Better stick to the happy expression on the face of my oncologist.

Hope for complete recovery drives me to stay motivated and handle inevitable setbacks. Every 3 months a scan is made and many patients get anxious. I have come to accept the blips caused by metastasis. I have to admit, it’s been a while that a new one appeared, even the false alarm in my lungs.

Acceptance, patience, expectations, confidence, desire to recover fully. All are supported and fired by hope. Depression caused by constant pain undermines hope. It clouds or narrows the mind and stops you from undertaking new things. All these feelings and emotions are not easy to manage. With a still mind, trained by breathing and meditation, one can take a step back though.

Taking a step back is required to realize the tricks the mind plays. How to handle the situations is what can be influenced, not the sickness itself. As I wrote earlier, doing the right things will provide peace of mind that you are doing everything possible to get healthy. It’s important to make constructive decisions how to handle news, and not fall back in old trusted patterns.

Doing the right things

Last week I caught a cold which turned into something nasty and infected my lungs and sinuses. Having lack of sleep from pain in my shoulders, I thought can it get any worse? Barking away all night with a deep dry cough caused painful spasm jolts in my shoulders. I just had to get up and walk around until the itch dissipated.

I listened to soothing music and listened to talks of Sadhguru. One talk caught my attention as he answered questions on how to fight cancer. He turned the question around deftly and said why fight? When you want a flower to bloom, do you fight the earth to make it grow? Take the fight out of it and make the experience pleasant.

It reminded me again that the goal is not to get better, or to be cured. The goal is to have a pleasant experience in whatever you do. So make the struggle with pain and recovery a pleasant one, as much as you can of course. Pain is never pleasant. Do the right things, have patience in continue doing them. Time passes, and the body heals itself with help of medicines.

This message needs repeating. It’s important to apply it in all aspects of life, not only when you’re sick. Practice it when you feel well and it’s easier when you don’t have the energy or will due to pain. Doing the right things sounds so simple, but it is the foundation of happiness.

Wonderful!

On Thursday I went to see my oncologist, joined by my wife. I explained the nurse my pain levels and location. My wife went on to provide details where the questions became too complex. All this in Japanese.... they wanted to know if my pain had anything to do with the change in treatment interval.

Meeting the doctor, he and the nurse were all smiles, including my wife. Only I was not happy due to my chronicle lack of sleep. Blood test results were perfect, except for signs of inflammation. I knew that! So off I went for a nice soba lunch, and another infusion. The next morning started with yoga, and pain treatment. After another nap I still felt groggy from the medicines.

I got new medicines to help me sleep and got involved in the remote discussions regarding work issues. Lucky I could escape from the stress and could focus on my health. My wife was busy so I had a nice diner with my daughter, playing uno, having French fries, ice cream, and all other delicious things we could find on the menu. I slept early, at 8pm!

This morning I felt completely different. I could even say I felt great! Working with the plants, clearing up old bushes while drinking tea and a croissant on the terrace. Keeping the mosquitos at bay and listening to the crickets, birds and singing children passing by. Pain is under control.

Stress from retirement next year flared up, as our HR shared many interesting offers: develop project delivery structure in Bio economics, restructure Japan team in India, restructure Security business, etc. Interesting in itself but not sufficient to support my family. I informed my bosses, who told me they would discuss a contract structure upon return. No need to worry.

The mind is your best friend and your worst enemy. Listening to the Gita and Upanishads puts everything’s in perspective again. My reaction to tough periods needs to be steered by a mind which is in contact with Him, part of Him, and in contact with my wife and children. We are going though this together, and as such my reactions should help us all.

Peace of mind is coming back, depression fades, awareness of happy moments returns. Wonderful!

Feeling blessed

The last months have been different. The treatment has killed the cancer cells, and I constantly think that I should feel healthy. This belief appears logical right? I have been fighting for more than 2 years for clean scans. Then why does my body hurt all the time? I never felt this way the last 2 years.

As I wrote, I have to accept it, be patient and be confident in my recovery. Unexpected pain is apparently part of recovery. This acceptance is the basis of finding purpose in life as a cancer survivor. Side effects of radiation and immunotherapy can be permanent. The effects are not documented as the treatment is too new.

One way to help accept that I need time away from office to recover is to find the benefit of taking a step back. Work provides me a chance to forget about the recovery process, and time off is obviously meant to enjoy my hobbies. The mind never stops, and I have learned to direct it at useful things instead of trying to make it stop.

Work has provided me the much needed change of focus for my mind, a change of mind so to say. The same is now happening at home when I need a break to treat my pain and do the strengthening exercises. I think over the difficulties I face at work and the solution presents itself and I write mails immediately to share the idea. The mind then loses interest in work, and I can enjoy my time off.

That’s it! I now enjoy the time to recover at home, and many a times need it to resolve complex issues. I have to admit that I was able to do this at work before I became sick, and miss that professional capability.

I am mourning the loss of my health and my energy at work. I feel depressed and tears come when the endless pain is keeping me awake at night. But when the sun rises again, I learn to appreciate this new balance. It’s what motivates me to become strong again and get ready for a beach holiday with my family and play in the breaking waves.....

Patience and confidence

In April I had a sudden attack of muscle cramps in my arms and shoulders. That’s now almost 5 months ago. What started as a painful nuisance, slowly deteriorated in frozen shoulders. Everything I tried made it only worse. Small accidents reversed progress, sleepless nights became the norm and made me loose confidence.

As I wrote, my oncologist wasn’t sure about the cause and gave me painkillers. Confidence however didn’t return, and I lost strength and resilience. My mind lost its edge and soon I was visiting a physiotherapist and a chiropractor. Medicines to help recover from nerve pain and muscle cramps just suppressed symptoms.

Only during the holidays in August did I feel something change. I was able to stretch more and more. I felt lucky that I had been able to establish regular yoga sessions after I became 50, which I started using as a benchmark. I could kind of sense how far away I was from my normal full stretch.

Both in the clinics and at home I gradually pushed myself through the pain. Muscles had become weak and stuck, and needed a change of posture to get them operating again. Not pleasant, but the result was that I could find better positions to sleep, followed by better rest.

I am now resting one or two days before I exercise and stretch again. The intestines and sinuses are still regularly inflamed by Opdivo, which makes me extend the period of rest. Work stress mixed with the summer heat which feels like 35-40° makes progress very slow.

My body needs time to recover. All I need is patience and confidence!