The last months have been different. The treatment has killed the cancer cells, and I constantly think that I should feel healthy. This belief appears logical right? I have been fighting for more than 2 years for clean scans. Then why does my body hurt all the time? I never felt this way the last 2 years.
As I wrote, I have to accept it, be patient and be confident in my recovery. Unexpected pain is apparently part of recovery. This acceptance is the basis of finding purpose in life as a cancer survivor. Side effects of radiation and immunotherapy can be permanent. The effects are not documented as the treatment is too new.
One way to help accept that I need time away from office to recover is to find the benefit of taking a step back. Work provides me a chance to forget about the recovery process, and time off is obviously meant to enjoy my hobbies. The mind never stops, and I have learned to direct it at useful things instead of trying to make it stop.
Work has provided me the much needed change of focus for my mind, a change of mind so to say. The same is now happening at home when I need a break to treat my pain and do the strengthening exercises. I think over the difficulties I face at work and the solution presents itself and I write mails immediately to share the idea. The mind then loses interest in work, and I can enjoy my time off.
That’s it! I now enjoy the time to recover at home, and many a times need it to resolve complex issues. I have to admit that I was able to do this at work before I became sick, and miss that professional capability.
I am mourning the loss of my health and my energy at work. I feel depressed and tears come when the endless pain is keeping me awake at night. But when the sun rises again, I learn to appreciate this new balance. It’s what motivates me to become strong again and get ready for a beach holiday with my family and play in the breaking waves.....
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