No more treatments..... I woke up with that thought and felt a surge of energy. The next thought was to fly to Holland to see my father. A desire, a longing, suppressed by a disciplined mind which focused on recovery. Three years ago I had stopped with every activity which might have a worsening impact on my cancer. One after the other started to surface: travel, alcohol, stress, Dutch candy, cookies....
What a change in viewpoint, causing an earthquake in my psyché. I am surprised that this predictable decision has such an impact on me. I can understand that my strict control now will be challenged by the well known return to old bad habits. But I have been working on that the last year, and I permitted myself at times a cup of coffee, tried to travel, and enjoyed dropjes and cookies with a healthy restraint.
The result of giving myself some slack, and learning to enjoy small things in life again, had also reduced the stress of dealing with the treatment. I now realize that this discovery also gives me confidence since restarting some ‘bad activities’ didn’t have any impact on the scans. It will be ok to loosen the reigns a bit more. Yippie! I can enjoy life more without having to be afraid it will cause the tumors to grow again.
I realize while writing that last bit that I have learnt a huge lesson in life: have the courage to describe my fears clearly. Honestly though, I had no idea I had this fear until I wrote it down just now. That is also something I confirmed: my writing is much clearer than my thinking. The 10 essays I wrote to analyze my self are proof of that.
I fell down one of the deepest wells in life called cancer, and climbed out with loving help and care. What lies ahead now is to draw a plan how I want to make best use of this second chance, this second birth, this second life. It will certainly be a life of moderation, careful (and I hope wise) choices and prioritizing the future of my loved ones over my own.
I have been on the receiving end of so much love the last 3 years and I guess the time has come to ‘pay forward’. Beside being my ‘cure-manager’, my wife contributes so much to the underprivileged in the neighborhood. To support her with that will be my most obvious and rewarding task. To support her will not only help others but also show my respect and love for what she did for me.
1 comment:
Well done my friend. Almost three years you fought the cancer. I realized you'll never be the one before, but that's also good!
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