Checkup

I went to the hospital in Chiba for an MRI of my back. I was surprised how calm and composed I walked around in the hospital. Actually I had strange thoughts as I walked around for an hour, waiting for the result. I looked at all those patients, from primary school to retired, and I kept on thinking that I was the only one without cancer. Very strange and not logical. Was it a defense mechanism?

I enjoyed sitting in the hospital garden, next to a waterfall, recording short video messages to my family. The sun felt warm on my face, my skin completely healed from the radiation burns. That's when I was called by the doctor's office and I walked slowly along the flower beds and greenery, greeting a young couple with a bald child in their arms. Our eyes met, and we shared so many emotions in that split second.

The doctor received me with his usual smile and showed me images with a small grey shadow. He said it had grown since the MRI last month. It was suspicious activity, the description I had come to dread since I had heard the same about my hip bone in Singapore in January. That suspicion had turned out to be nothing. As I had no pain symptoms the doctor said we would wait with next MRI's until August. 3 months...

Dr Zenda explained that he would then decide to start Immunotherapy, Nivolumab, to stop and reverse POSSIBLE spreading of melanoma and seemed happy that my wife and son would join then so he could explain more details. He had informed my wife that he had confirmed that the melanoma had not spread to lungs, liver, prostate or other organs. So starting with medicins would have to be based solely on the result of another set of scans of my back and head.

Relieved yet concerned, smiling and wondering to be alarmed or not, I shook dr Zenda's hand and thanked him. I took a picture of the screen where the blip was highlighted. I felt peaceful and reassured. Back on the bus to the station, I felt healthy, calm, serene..... I smiled at my fellow passengers as they changed seats, complaining about the hot sun, grilling us in our seats.

Wherever they moved, the sun would find them again as the bus turned and turned through the narrow streets of Kashiwa. Sweet afternoon sun, thank you for warming me, making me feel alive!

Dark clouds

Dark clouds afloat,
Cats n dogs soak me?
Lightning will strike?

Shadow shields the baking sun
Silver linings give me hope
Drops nourish the greens

Its how you welcome,
the role they play,
how nature's design,
created them, perfectly.

The river carries me along

After spending a few months lying on the river bed, the current of life has lifted me again. The blessings of regular life make me float, light in the head. A cold comes and goes as the freezing water  tests my body, builds my resistance. How simple the rules of nature are....

Follow the rules to sustain the earth and that behavior will sustain you. Love with all that's in you and love will carry you to your destiny. He may at times leave you alone, struggling with the currents and the coldness, but surely His hand will lift you when you get stuck.

There is no loneliness when all you have, is received to help you along, to feel whole and worthy. Finding the path is not through choosing, but to surrender to the eternal flow. So it was, and so it will be. Learning from elders and passing on to children is fulfilling.

Day 19: change for the better

I have been going to the office for a week now and enjoyed a long weekend. The itching cheek has healed and the itch shifted to the eye lids and eye. Putting eye drops in helps for 20 minutes and then I really have to rub the eyelids! So I put Vaseline all over and this eases the itch. It enters the eye, but that is easily washed away with drops.

Another side effect is the pulling eye, which was bad after the operation and returned. It's bearable and with sleep the pulling reduces. The heavy feeling in the nose and the brain behind the eye are probably also side effects, which is worst when I move my head quickly. Just taking it easy therefore and a day at a time. Accoriding to the doctor all these side effects will reduce with time.

This is the radiation at work in healthy cells. Just need to be patient. A colleague shared his experience today: After an operation his doctor said: the trouble with engineers is that they think the body is like a machine: just open it, take something out, and it will just continue as it was.

Exactly! That's how I want my body to recover. But obviously it takes a lot of time, the wiring has changed and the body will recover in a new way. That's the miracle of being a living organism. Nerves do grow back, but in a different way with new sensations! My nose doesn't itch on the skin, it itches deep inside where 6 weeks ago I felt nothing. It's hard to scratch deep inside your flesh.

I started doing light excersize to improve blood circulation and this raises my energy level. It feels great to do push-ups, work out on the rowing machine in the gym and walk up the steep hill in Fort Canning park. Life needs to be lived, action!

Day 13: it's itching !!!!!

Day 13 after the last beaming treatment

After 1 week redness, the skin is now oozing pus and it's itching like crazy!
The special pads provided by the hospital cover my nose and cheek, looking like a white flag.
Lucky I can scratch the skin through the pad and thick layer of vaseline to relieve the itch.

I have started to go to work from Monday and enjoy the regular life again. Headaches get worse after lunch so I leave early when I can. Its great to chat with colleagues and to communicate with those who are overseas.

Planning beyond tomorrow or next week is still bit of a challenge, but it's getting there. The mind quickly adjusts and accepts more parallel activities and tasks. Amazing how easy one adjusts to work again!

I don't think about the upcoming MRI scans, and just enjoy healthy life again. I ache to go swimming, have a glass of white wine and so on but that will come next week (I hope) after the skin has healed and the swelling has receded.

Life is great!

Flying home

Today I visited the doctor and was cleared to fly home tomorrow. Great!

According to the doctor, the redness of the skin has peaked now, about a week after treatment. (I will upload a picture when I get home.)
Beaming related inflammation in nose and sinus will still continue for some time, but should be gone by the time the next check-up MRI is planned. This will be sometime in July.

The PET and MRI scan taken of the spine had suspicious areas of activity. According to the doctor, I have nothing to worry about. Another MRI will be taken for comparison on 22 May and a pragmatic decision will be made if treatment is required or not. I will be on a business trip Japan on that date. Coincidence?

Dr Zenda asked me to let him treat me after we return to Japan.
So I will let dr Zenda worry about suspicions and I will focus on enjoying normal life, taking it a day at a time. That's how the future will be like.

Day 0: Beaming is completed!

Today was the last beaming session.

I kind of miss the serenity of the awesome machine. I felt so small when lying on that table inside, all alone. Technicians behind thick walls, protected from the radiation. I received the mask as an omiyage (souvenir) and with a completely red cheek and nose I left the hospital. That sunburn type of radiation side effect will take a week to a month to recover.

The doctor informed us that I have to return for CT/MRI scans after 1 month time, not 3 months. Melanoma is very aggressive and there is a chance of metastasis. The most recent PET scan showed activity in my spine which cannot be disregarded with certainty as benign.

That's the way life will be like the coming years. There will never be certainty anymore.
We are reminding ourselves that he is the best melanoma (radiation) specialist for sinus and nose in the world.
I am relieved that I have no pain other than from healing nerves which were damaged during the surgery in February.

I feel very peaceful.