Traveling pain

I kept a record for a week on pain patterns. On Sunday I raised the alarm that the painkiller wasn’t working. Pain reduced because of steroids. Today my wife visited my doctor and I was supposed to join her were it not for accidents on the stairs due to nerve pain. The doctor said that the pain was not due to cancer as it travelled up and down.

He had checked Yervoy records and there were rare cases where it had affected the nerves. He prepared a prescription for medicines to calm the nerve system, repair it, and suppress the related shooting and constant pain. I just took the pill after diner and b12 vitamin, which helps repair nerve cells. I will wait a few more hours until I can’t feel any of the pain which has ‘befriended’ me the last week.

Wish me the good fortune that the analyzing conversation between 2 angels (my wife and doctor) resulted in a clear image on which basis dr Namikawa could prescribe the right medicines. My ordeal of hopeless and endless nights in search of sleep has surely come to an end. 

Such a strong belief and conviction has helped me so may times in the lsat years. My prayers also were very specific this time. Where I usually pray for others in need, I have learned to ask for help by directly asking Jezus. That request, I believe, has giving me the power to joke to myself how many positions I tried in a night to find rest and remove the agony.

Now it’s just a matter of time and constant posture reminders. Hope has returned, not wishing for a quick recovery, but for steady irreversible healing. The light of angels protects me from gloomy thoughts and keeps me away from depression. I feel truly blessed!

Being the observer, the passenger

 Lately I feel more than I think. It is a result of feeling out of control. My body is affected by so many things that I can no longer rely on my good old willpower. I have to surrender as I have experienced when I let Jezus into my heart. Habits return, and I tried to stay positive by finding ways to enjoy life, through activities and walks. 

However, this old tried and tested approach has its weakness in that it relies on my mind. My thoughts need to lead, motivate and urge myself to go out and walk! This sense of urgency is fading however, feelings of doubt bubble up. Patience is required to let the body lead, and decide when is the right time to get stronger. 

Emotions also get stronger, specifically about some body signals are related to getting older, not just a sickness. Somehow the confidence is fading that everything will return to what it was... An acceptance is growing that I am getting older while dealing and accepting my cancer and palsy. This is the patience I am sensing. 

Patience comes from changing position in the car of life, from the steering wheel to the passenger seat. I am no longer the driver, literally also. I have to accept this. I am accepting this. It’s a grieving process, it’s painful, as it affects my nature to stay in touch with nature, to draw from its raw power to feed me. The passenger seat is a relaxing place… I have experienced it during our last trip to Izu.

Finding my way through the maze of emotions and feelings requires learning a new language. Not of words, but of the flow of life. Observing the play of life, the events that happen to me, relationships that change, influence me, provide me joy and grief. Accepting it without having to describe them is a relief. Accepting the feelings that come with experiences without thinking of words to describe them…

This is new to me… it is providing me a new perspective in life. I try to describe it here and realize it is nearly impossible. Anyway I wish to share to share this method as it makes my patience grow. And that is what I need most now, acceptance of my situation, emotions, fears, my being as am, as am becoming…

Allan Watts has this to say about overthinking. https://youtu.be/uiXTSmdSBpo