Doubt

It’s a month since the radiation treatment. The ups and downs were expected, and the confusing combination of side effects and after effects is hard to handle. I am used to the pattern of Opdivo side effects. Having the after effects of radiation added to them makes me confused. I lost my anchor which predictability provided me.

I realized (again) that information of what to expect is so critical in being able to prepare myself mentally. So why is this? Why isn’t flexibility enough? I have a mind trained in dealing with repeated setbacks, handling the inability to go out and enjoy nature. Doubt that treatments may not work cause periods of sadness and depression. Doubt can’t be stopped.

I wrote a poem about mental fatigue and feel it’s the reason why doubt has started. I can get used to a lot but I have reached a limit. I wonder what is happening in my head, the damage radiation has done while killing the tumor. Another 6 weeks before the next MRI scan....

I like to be in control of my life and I don’t have feelings of being a victim of an unknown force. I feel no anger nor do I have feelings that life is unfair. Somehow I accept whatever is thrown at me, the inevitability that nothing is sure in life. During my life, at sea and moving from country to country, I have learnt to prepare for the worst, both practically and mentally.

Deep solid self confidence originates from authenticity and trust in God. Where would I be without trusting a higher force guiding me wherever I go and protecting me? The reassurance that everything will be fine is not matching how weak my body feels. I need to sleep every 5 hours or so, as my mind and body simply can’t continue.