It’s been a while. Work has been keeping me busy. Things are not going the way as planned which is hard to handle. My body gets stronger and I can take the pressure. But I also feel that something is changing inside me. I can’t put my finger on it, but I live like I am no longer sick.
My batteries are charging constantly, not only when I am resting. My mind is busy finding solutions in ways I haven’t done in more than 3 years. I feel fresh and tired at the same time. Tired of getting back into the life I left behind, a life of endless stress and planning and surprises.
When I was down and battling in survival mode, I never thought about this. Now that I am able and motivated I think back and can’t find the meaning of getting back into who I was. I am no longer that person, it simply doesn’t feel like me anymore. Who have I become?
Of course I continue to fight for the right things, for the team, for our goals. I want to build something, something lasting. But due to constantly returning limits, it doesn’t come to fruition. The vision we have is not becoming real. And I am loosing control over it.
I realize that my identity has blurred. I want to identify with a good cause, with a great purpose. What if that is not my work as I always thought before I became sick? It’s so obvious that going back to what I was at work, is not the answer to fulfillment. It’s staring me in the face.
I need to let it go. Control is for the next generation. I am ready to advise, consult and make way. This is what I have to learn, how to practice it and not fall back into old patterns of being in charge. I need to learn to let go. Find, or make my own new spot in this world.
1 comment:
Very wise Findings. Thanks for let us know.
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