Stages of battle and recovery

Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I led a normal life. A definition for normal cannot easily be given other than itt describes the state of mind you are in. Activities are planned, delayed, enjoyed and remembered. All without any sense of urgency or time constraint because why worry? There is so much time to enjoy life isn’t it?

Well, that phase came to an abrupt end when the surgeon said that Melanoma was found in the tissue removed from my nose. Slowly I started to realize that a phase of my life had come to an end. A phase which everyone takes for granted and which one only appreciates fully once it’s gone.

I entered a phase of survival. Everything I did, every plan I made had this singular goal. All socializing, enjoying, loitering, etc had suddenly gone. Something had come in its place, and that something was completely new. When reading experience of other patients, it can be read that life is never the same after diagnosis.

A year of studying options of treatments, undergoing treatment, fighting and recovery passed by without realizing it. Everything was happening in a blur, a fog, and without many memories. Somehow the immunotherapy treatment worked for me and when 2018 came about, I felt a deep sense of relief. I had never thought I would be able to think and plan beyond the next week and month.

Survival made place for hesitation to plan a trip, a short holiday, a meeting and so on. I realized i had enough energy to work almost full time again. Survival faded out , moved to the background very gradually, unnoticed and a new phase started where I found purpose in work again. Passion did not return but at least I could feel a sense of satisfaction I was contributing again. Good days came and went, and I started to get used to longer periods of well-being.

I still did not have enough energy to enjoy socializing, travel and hiking. All that had to wait another 9 months of recovery. But, like today, I realize that I start to feel bored with reading, painting the model of a yeacht, walking and work. I need more. I feel the sense of hunger for adventure again. Not the passion to change the world like I had felt in my travel and work, but a need to achieve a deeper sense of fulfillment.

A new phase has arrived. A phase of returning back to normal life. This time normal has a completely different meaning. Normal has a dimension which is linked to the passing of time. Normal now means living in the moment and enjoying everything I will undertake. This new phase brings the urge to study Japanese, to go watch a movie, to go to concerts, go hiking, and so on. It’s a very big relief again that I am given the chance to give normal life a new start!