Worries and itches

What if it gets worse? When will it begin? How will it feel? How to prevent? How to make it easier to bear? How to reduce sorrow of my loved ones? Where will I go? What if?

I am being haunted by worries, as I cannot sleep. My left side of the nose is so itchy, it seems some cat hairs have gotten stuck in it, or I have some sort of allergy. No idea why it suddenly starts. I kind of started to believe, or hope, that my health has stabilised and now this. It's driving me wild. I can't stop my mind, it simply keeps on going in circles, like a vulture.

This writing brings a kind of serene silence in an otherwise noisy space, brimming with thoughts. I try to understand how Iris Murdoch describes and analyses it. Not easy and certainly not using simple language. I fall asleep with it, and that was the reason I put her book at my bedside. I also hoped that there would be some hidden nuggets of wisdom, waiting for me to be discovered. Perhaps.

I have flushed my nose and sinuses with salt water, using the nozzle I used for months after surgery. It somehow relieved the unreachable itch inside. The itch is also caused by nerves growing back. This itch is deep in the skin and tissue, and it cannot easily be described. It is a sign of healing, which is about the only comfort I have.

It's 1am now, and I am growing sleepy while writing and drinking cups of green tea. Autumn is here, and the evenings are getting colder. Its a blessing after the humid summer heat. Let this tired body find peace in sleep as I want to bring my daughter to the train tomorrow at 6:30 and I want to go to work at 8:30.

Why I have this compulsion? To get on with a more or less normal life, free from spending time resting and idling. Rest is what I need, but it I also need to find meaning and purpose as life continues, balancing body and mind. I am truly blessed these moments of worry are now sporadic, but they still sneak up on me. I am glad it has now passed. Goodnight.