After 2 weeks of back pain and sinusitis I somehow found myself in front of Dr Zenda. He said I looked great and would investigate the findings of the clinic. The echograms were not definite is I expected. Also, the PET/CT scan on 28 March had not shown any cancerous activity in the gallbladder. So we would have to do another set of MRI and PET/CT scans which are now planned on 26 July and 7 Aug respectively. The results would then be discussed with my wife and son present on 7 Aug pm.
Quite a wait, during which period I would have fly to Singapore for business and to pick up my family. So not so bad after all. I realized that having no clear and definite test result felt like having no map to navigate on, no direction nor compass. I existed in a void where ignorance is bliss, where I find a middle road between cheering myself up for the sake of being strong for my loved ones, and sticking my head in the sand. Removing the emotions from this roller coaster makes life easier.
Pain is now something occurring daily. It's not related to cancer I suppose, but the back ache created wrong positioning of spine, causing flexing of ribs which spasmed. That shooting pain made me unable to walk far, nor sleep on that side. So after 3 weeks of lack of exercise and sleeping on the other side causes shooting pains in the hip. It's age. I am tired now of pain, so I took another painkiller to be able to sleep at least.
As I learned after the operations, managing pain using medicins has to become a new skill for cancer patients. Roughing it is really not the way to have quality of life. In the end that is all I have left: enjoying day by day, going for walks, being awakened by bird song early in the morning. All that pleasure in small daily moments was stolen from me the last weeks and I revolt!
So a painkiller is the means to bring back pleasure in everyday's chores, moments of joy and go to work of course, which I enjoy quite a bit. Tokyo life is made for convenience, so walking a few minutes gets me my sashimi, my shirts cleaned and my milk and cereals. Plenty of restaurants in the neighborhood and a helpful brother-in-law to help me with admin stuf like mail delivery, payments and garbage separation. Nature is calling, mountains 30 minutes away by train. It motivates me to get through this 'noise' and find peace of mind.
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